Angry thoughts about what Josh dealt with, RIP

My best friend from High School, Josh Flanders, died last month in a motorcycle accident. I went to his funeral in AZ. On some levels it was nice to see people I hadn't seen in years and walk around the old stomping grounds. On another level I found my visit very disturbing. Many good things were said about Josh and I have many things to add to that praise, but I want to talk about the disturbing things for a moment.

The Arizona I grew up in was deeply racist. The Mexicans in sixth grade were mixed throughout the classes but they stuck to themselves. They didn't tend to mingle with the whites too much. All throughout my teenage years racist Mexican jokes were quite common. It would not have been an easy place to have grown up if one was a Mexican.

Josh was 1/2 Mexican. His father was white and left Josh with white skin and the last name Flanders. I didn't know Josh was Mexican when I first met him. He didn't hang out with the Mexicans, he didn't speak Spanish, and he passed himself off as white. I remember him saying racist Mexican jokes.

I found out at the funeral that Josh was born in Mexico City. This came as a shock to me, because Josh had always told me he was born in Utah. He used to tease his brother Jacob for being born in Mexico (when, I think, it was actually Jacob who was born in Utah).

I didn't know Josh was half Mexican at all until we become good friends and he felt comfortable enough to invite me to his house. Josh, his mother and his siblings lived in a Mexican trailer park. I don't remember any white people in that trailer park, although I'm sure there were some. Most of the people who lived there were Mexicans who worked at the next door dairy. I remember the Mexicans driving cars in the neighborhood listened to strange, loud Mexican norteno music. When I asked Josh about it he said he hated that kind of music.

The neighborhood always smelled like cow poo being next to the dairy. After so many good times at Josh's house, I now actually enjoy the smell of cow poo (I reminds me of then).

Clearly, Josh struggled with his mixed race status. Those of use who got to know this side of Josh were aware of how he internalized the racism and didn't broach the subject with him. It wasn't just the racism though. Josh's father was out of the picture by the time Josh was 14 and his mother worked hard at the dairy, but they were never wealthy. As a result Josh worked a lot. He worked construction, he worked odd jobs, he did what he could. One summer I worked with him in an auto-parts yard. It was the worst job I ever had, I hated it. It was normal for Josh.

At the time of his death he was 30, and was just about to graduate from college. Because his mother couldn't afford to put him through college he had to go it alone, as many people do. This was a long, protracted difficult endeavor. Josh was always in and out of jobs, in and out of school. As far as I know, to the end, he refused to apply for scholarships based on his Mexican status. We would argue about this, but he insisted that he didn't want to "mooch" off others. I insisted that the kind of scholarships that he could receive were made precisely for people in his situation. If he ever did finally take advantage of such scholarships it was very late in his life.

Josh had not only internalized the racism of AZ, he had also internalized the Protestant Ethic story that was universal among the religious white people in our hometown. This ethic insists that everyone work hard by themselves and largely for themselves. We shouldn't be dependent on other people. We should work hard. Don't take handouts. Work for what you get. The flip side of this is: don't give handouts. Make people work for what they get.

The western cowboy version of the protestant ethic is particularly virulent. It is very atomistic, by which I mean that it tends towards "every man for himself." It is very suspicious of government and strongly opposed to any form of redistribution of wealth, welfare programs, scholarships for minorities etc.

Josh didn't have a chance. He didn't want to be seen as a "mooching" minority. He didn't want to take handouts. So he worked like a dog and took ten years to finish a BA. Meanwhile, many of his friends, whites, pushed through college without thinking twice about how we were going to pay for things. We had our token jobs that assured both us and our parents that we were working hard, and they supplied the rest. This "rest" could be quite a bit depending.

Josh had a lot of self hatred. This self hatred, I think, was aimed at his relative poverty and his Mexican race. He didn't always articulate this. Only late in his life did he begin to come to grips with it and to overcome his rage.

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Sitting at his funeral, I couldn't help but be angry while everyone sat around and talked about how hard a worker Josh was. He was a good example of someone who struggled through things and achieved his goals. Yes, true. But the very language which had victimized Josh was being used to praise him. This language also exculpated the rest of us from taking any responsibility for such difficulty. "Josh had a tough situation and worked hard." No one said, we should have paid him a little more than minimum wage when he worked for us. No one said, we should have helped him get through college. No one said, at the funeral, Josh is an example of how many people struggle through life and we, as a community, should be more sensitive and do more, much more, to help.

Many, probably most, of those at Josh's funeral will continue to support politicians and vote for policies that make life difficult for the poor, for minorities and for anyone who needs help. I like to see Josh praised, but I found it difficult to see Josh praised in terms that will also be used to deny others. It is sad for me to see Josh talked about in language that will also be used to support an "every man for himself" type of society. Josh was always very charitable and I wish we talked about him as an example of someone who did his best and yet who could have used more social support too.

RIP my friend, I wish I'd done more for you (even though I know you wouldn't have taken it)
Justin