butterflies and stale air

"Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."

When DO we know what we are doing? Everything has unintended consequences. Life seems to be a cacophony of butterflies and hurricanes. Except perhaps when you want to stir up a hurricane. Then its all stale air and a dead end job.

We like - we need - to believe that we have control. And we do to some degree. We like to think we can do what is right. And we do to some degree. I think this is why we like to push our morals and our morays to the black and white extremes. I don't kill, I'm good. He kills, he's bad. It's almost always somewhere in between and it isn't hard to get lost in the haze.

God is going to sit me down, pull up an excel file with all the hours of my life added up and divided into general categories: I don't think it will be impressive. Somewhere along the line I wanted to get away from the petty neighborliness that feels so futile. Buy a tie for him, cookies for her. It is exhausting and people are dirty. There must be some structural shortcuts - something we can tweek and really get things moving.

Which battle to fight? little battles get little things done. big battles likely get nothing done. so getting anything done means becoming ephemeral?

Thinking about it all can paralyze.
Not thinking got us in this mess.

[Nothingman by Pearl Jam]
Once divided...nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken...can't be taken back...
Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...
Future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...
Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...

Nothingman...
Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman...